Fortunately for the rest of us, they’ll never overcome their game-universe rivalries in order to band together, or we’d have a real problem on our hands.  Also, the fact that they’ve decided to arm themselves with precise replicas from video games and comic books pretty much wins the battle for our side, as you’ll see from the videos below.

#3 - Retractable Wolverine claws: These are actually pretty cool, and would make great accessories for Halloween.  The guy might even seem dangerous were it not for his having chosen to demonstrate his weapons by leaping (with the help of a discreetly placed exercise trampoline in the background, you’ll notice) fiercely at an unsuspecting cardboard box perched precariously on a cheap barstool in his dorm room.

#2 - Lancer Rifle with Chainsaw Bayonet (Gears of War): This is probably the most overtly dangerous one of the bunch, as it fires actual bullets.  However, as the pumpkins aptly demonstrate, if you hold perfectly still, the wielder stands pretty much a .0001% chance of actually hitting you as he’s rushing toward you and firing into the log at your feet.  When he gets close enough to use the “chainsaw bayonet” you might be in trouble, so I recommend using the convenient pause in combat while he starts up the little motor on his mom’s limb trimmer to either run away or kick the guy in his man parts.

#1 - Cloud Buster Sword (Final Fantasy 7): Again, the first impression is very menacing, especially with the straight from the highlands Scottish blacksmith guy running at you and screaming with that giant sword.  But wait for it…wait for it…The real danger here is when he gets you laughing so hard that you forget to dodge during one of the 30 second periods during which he’s working the blade into what you might call a swing.

So know this, nerds: I’M ON TO YOU!

I’ve resisted all the hype around the latest generation of video game consoles up to this point, but this one commercial might have just convinced me to get a Wii.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEaL8HqufFI

Review: Star Trek

MightyThor’s Rating: 4 / 5 Starfleet Insignias

On Friday night I did something I haven’t done in some time: I braved the opening night crowds to see a major summer blockbuster, in this case the new Star Trek from J.J. Abrams.  The question you, Word readers, are surely asking is, “Was it worth it?”

I’d have to say yes it was.

I’ve heard this film referred to as this year’s Iron Man, and that’s a description that I can get on board with, because like last year’s Iron Man, this was a big summer blockbuster that had some flaws, but overall was really entertaining.  It was very well-cast, well-paced, funny at times, and full of good action.  It avoided getting too heavy or philosophical, which would have been easy to do.  It made fun of its own ancestry in a respectful way.  But the main reason that I liked it was that it was bold. Unfortunately, this also led to one of the main things I disliked about it.

When I say Star Trek was bold I mean that Abrams and his crew had an early decision to make: they could tell an origin story that would have to conform to all the pre-existing, but post-dated material that’s already been established out there for years, or they could fly in the face of everything else that’s been said and done in the Star Trek universe and execute a complete re-boot on the franchise, and the latter is what they went with.  That decision made the film a lot more interesting and surprising than it likely would have been otherwise, and it let them take a cast of well-known characters and give them a new lease on life to take in whatever direction they choose.  This made for a few startling twists and events that made the movie very intriguing, because nothing that had once been set in stone could be considered untouchable anymore.  So bravo to Abrams for taking that kind of leap.

Now, unfortunately for me, I’m not a big fan in general of the plot device employed to pull this bold re-hash off: MINOR SPOILER ALERT (highlight for the info, which I promise is not giving away much): the plot pivots on a time-travel premise, spinning off an alternate universe than the one we have seen previously.  I’m not a fan of time-travel stories by rule, they’re always messy and seem to have a million logic holes.

Still, in spite of this one area that was a sticky point for me, the story was engaging and interesting throughout.

Perhaps the biggest victory for the whole enterprise (get it) was the casting of the principal characters, those we know from the old days.  I thought the young actors, Chris Pine in particular, did a fantastic job of bringing these characters to life in a realistic way, when it would have been all too easy to just do a hammy imitation of the old crew members.  It’s hard to describe this except to say that I felt like the actors got to know the motives behind the mannerisms and portrayed the characters from those much deeper waters, rather than just regurgitating the same old well-known quips and cliches, although the most famous lines found their way in appropriately.  So it was really fun to watch the young versions of those characters bloom as the story unfolded.  Of all of them, I thought Karl Urban’s Dr. “Bones” McCoy was the most copycat, which bugged me just a bit at first, but grew on me as the film progressed and he settled into the role.  Sulu, Uhura, Scotty, Spock and Kirk all did a great job of painting the picture of what these familiar characters might have been like at the beginning, and I think they did right by the material.

Star Trek was a big undertaking, and unlike some other properties of like magnitude that were reborn with less than stellar results, this one looks to have been given some new legs.  I hope Abrams and those who follow him take it down the path of some of the recent more successful rebirths so Star Trek will keep looking better than ever with age.

Catching up some more on my Netflix reviews, which are way behind by now:

Review: FireFly / Serenity

MightyThor’s Rating: 4 / 5 FireFly Class Spaceships

Firefly wasn’t on TV for long, but built a big cult following, and the fans of it are devoted.  I thought the show was pretty good, getting better as it went along, but the movie Serenity that spun off from it was excellent, one of the better Sci-Fi outings I’ve seen in a long time.  I recommend watching the TV show episodes first (there are only about 15 of them) to get the full flavor of the show, which really adds to the movie, but all in all, definitely worth watching.

Review: Eragon

MightyThor’s Rating: 2.5 / 5 Dragons

It was a pretty average fantasy movie.  Honestly, it was better than I expected, and based on the terribly written book it was drawing from (which I could only choke down about half of), you might call it an admirable adaptation, but in the end it was no better than average.  I didn’t love it or hate it.

Review: The Last Legion

MightyThor’s Rating: 1.5 / 5 Excaliburs

This was a really lame movie from top to bottom.  You know how studios do that lame copycat thing where they release the same movies under different titles to piggyback off each other?  (Think Rob Roy vs. Braveheart, Wyatt Earp vs Tombstone, Volcano vs. Dante’s Peak, The Arrival vs. Independence Day etc.)  Well this was a really poor answer to King Arthur, I think.  The acting was lame, the fight coreography was innane, the plot was weak.  You’re casting Colin Firth as the lead action hero and hoping Sir Ben Kingsley can save the day by his mere presence, but unfortunately Kingsley’s credibility isn’t too high with me anymore after he somehow agreed to do Bloodrayne.  At any rate, skip this one.

Review: Twilight

MightyThor’s Rating: 2.5 / 5 Vampire Teeth

I was fully expecting to hate the crap out of this movie, because I read the book, and to put it kindly, I hated the crap out of it.  That’s not entirely fair.  In truth, I never should have read it, because I am clearly not the target audience, and whatever I have to say against it, Stephanie Meyers knows exactly who she’s writing for.  But I actually liked the movie better than the book, mostly because the movie was able to distill the pages and pages of teen vampire love angst (”Oh Edward!  Oh Edward!  He touched me, and my breath caught in my…*HURL!*) down into a manageable few moments.  There are still a lot of aspects of the whole Twilight story that come through in the same way that I hated from the book, but by virtue of cutting away all the excess to fit the story into a movie frame, the movie was much more tolerable than the book.

Review: Live Free or Die Hard

MightyThor’s Rating: 3.5 / 5 Exploding Computers

Exploding computers, you ask?  Well yes, because that’s what this movie is, really.  The same old formula of Bruce Willis blowing stuff up or running from stuff blowing up, but this time, the enemy is a sophisticated and COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE cyber-terrorist.  You just have to set aside all the ridiculousness of the plot and watch this movie for what it is: a glut of action.  I knew all along how awesomely lame the stunts and plot twists were, but I was quite entertained all the same, and I thought this one was better than Die Hard 2 and 3.

I have a few more to do, but this post is lengthy already, so I’ll add next ones another time.

Almost 2 weeks ago I did something that I’m pretty sure none of you, nor most people in America, were willing to do. I watched the premier of Harper’s Island on CBS. I’ll pause for a moment to allow for groans, mocking laughter and/or puzzled looks…

Then last week, I did what was most certainly not repeated by anyone else on the planet. I watched the second episode! And in the interest of full disclosure, I fully intend to watch episode 3 this Thursday as well. In fact, I have no intention of ceasing my viewership nor canceling my series recording. Why? Because taken at face value, the show is actually pretty fun to watch. And I mean that in the most Sci-Fi Original Pictures sense of the term.

The following is a rundown of the show’s most redeeming qualities:

• Archetypes Abound: Pretty much every character is taken from that virtual script in the sky for cheesy, overblown, melodramatic, shallow soon-to-be-redshirts. This is one area where the SFOP formula really shines through. We have the stuffy foreigner, the jaded local redneck, the star-crossed lovers, the brooding teen (2 of them), the soothsaying child, the frat boy buddies, the disapproving wealthy father-in-law, the square-jawed ex-boyfriend looking to spoil the wedding, etc, etc. They even managed to get an aging, has-been celebrity in Harry Hamlin to fill a cameo role, or what you might call a cameo if he wasn’t obviously so desperate for the work. Oddly enough, there’s no butler.
• Formulaic Plot Points: The show is literally a carbon copy of dozens of other murder mysteries done throughout the years.  That’s really what makes it work. You know what to expect, and you get it. It’s not an attempt to put a new spin on an old favorite. It IS the old favorite. A wedding that reunites a group of people on the site of a mass-murder spree by which they were all affected in some way? Classic.
• Gratuitous Jump Scenes: These are a given. Otherwise we would never be able to ask the question “why do people in tense movie moments always grab you on the shoulder or slap their hand over your mouth?” The best thing about these is how the writers try to justify them by having the characters say things like “I called your name but I guess you didn’t hear me”. Yeah right.
• Gratuitous Gore: In the first episode we had one person dismembered by a boat prop and one person chopped in half at the waist (that one was particularly gratifying, considering who the character was. SPOILER: It was Harry Hamlin aka Uncle Marty!) Bonus points are awarded here for brutality tempered with creativity.
• Gratuitous (Almost) Hanky-Panky: OK, I’m not really looking for this, but of course there couldn’t be a murder if somebody didn’t decide to go skinny-dipping or get busy in the woods.
• Unlikely Setting: Speaking of woods, how about an Island with an old Inn, a picturesque lighthouse, few residents, and acres and acres of unexplored deep woods that apparently must be crossed for any character to reach any other destination.
• Quality Acting: OK, this is tongue in cheek, but the acting is not so bad (save for a few characters) that you can’t stand to watch. It’s just bad enough. Couple this with the next point, and you’re playing with house money.
• Ridiculous Dialogue: How else can you highlight the bad acting?
• Even More Ridicuous Accents: There’s really only one of these, but it’s a doozy.
• A Director Who Can Somehow Pull It All Together: Jon Turteltaub. Unfortunately, he’s only onboard for a couple of episodes as director, but at least he’ll still be around as Exec. Producer.
• BONUS - Webisodes: I haven’t watched these but they’re on harpersglobe.com.

Ultimately, I think what works for this show is the fact that it doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously. As Simon Cowell would say, it knows what it is. It’s campy. It’s ridiculous. It’s awesome! The only thing the CBS executives missed is putting CSI: in front of the title. That might just prove to be it’s ratings downfall. And if it gets canceled and I never find out whodunit, I’ll be ticked. So start watching!

And for what it’s worth, my money is on the sheriff.

Giant snapping turtles violently attacking college kids on spring break at Lake Powell.  Oooh…the menace!  The role of Dr. Boobs hasn’t been cast yet, but we’re pretty sure we can get former Miss Hawaiian Tropic Scarlett Chorvat.

We’re not officially in negotions with the Sci Fi Channel yet, but we think we’re on the right track with our pitch.  Thanks to Mrs. MightyThor for the story concept.

Among the myriad questions I have about this cartoon is this:  Does Spiderman, being a super-hero, have the same reaction to tailbone strikes that the rest of us do?  That Lecter-esque teeth-sucking sound?

If so, this must have been a LOUD one.

I’m on a tear on this blog lately, and if I keep it up, I may actually meet my New Year’s resolution to blog more, maybe even a post a day, if you can believe it.

In that vein, I’ve been meaning to start posting my “now on video” reviews ever since I subscribed to Netflix and started catching up on all the movies I haven’t seen in the theater since we had a kid and stopped going to the movies.  So here we go, short and sweet, one review per post, starting with my most recently viewed and going backwards.

Review: Australia

MightyThor’s Rating: 3 / 5 Didgeridoos

We watched Australia just a few nights ago, and it was pretty good.  It wasn’t anything earth-shattering for good or ill, but I enjoyed it all right.  Hugh Jackman was good, as was Nicole Kidman, especially once her character evolved past the stereotypical headstrong, obnoxious noble-born Brit.  The Aboriginal kid Nullah really stole the show, but that was cool; the writers did right by him with his unique manner of speech, so he was fun to watch.  I thought they played his part up just right, without overplaying it in a movie that would be classified as a saga, where everything is meant to be very Gone With the Wind-esque in its emotional impact.

I thought the film was pretty visually interesting too, fitting a certain style that seemed appropriate to the era depicted and the vision Baz Luhrmann was shooting for.  It did have its own sense of high-mindedness about the treatment of the Aboriginal people, which was pretty much a backdrop to the story, but I didn’t feel so hit over the head with it as I might have, which was good.  So all in all, I’d say I liked it. I wouldn’t run out and buy it, but I wouldn’t recommend against watching it either.

Movie Review: Knowing

MightyThor’s Rating: 2 / 5 Shiny Black Stones

Recently, Donjuanica and I started engaging in the age-old manly tradition of a Boys’ Night Out (and no, you may not call it a man-date, because we always make sure to bring one or more additional manly persons along).  Really, the whole thing is an elaborate excuse to let us go see movies that our wives wouldn’t be interested in.

Well a week or so ago, we went and saw the only film that was currently showing that seemed in any way interesting, the latest Nicholas Cage supernatural thriller “Knowing.”  Let me prefece this review also by saying that the film was recommended to us by a friend of Donjuanica, whose opinions are forever suspect now.

If you’re planning to see “Knowing” for yourself, just know that I give it a “Wait until it comes to TV” rating, and do not read on because of the dreaded advent of SPOILERS AHEAD (I don’t know why I have to type that in all caps, but it seems the thing to do.) For you intrepid readers who want the skinny, read on.

I’ll freely admit that I was actually enjoying “Knowing” until about the last twenty minutes.  At that point, the film turned so ridiculous as to actually turn back time and punch me in the groin at the beginning.  It was all very strange.  If you don’t know the story, Nicholas Cage is a professor of astro-physics or something, whose son participates in the opening of a time capsule at school.  The capsule contains drawings by the school’s original students of what they think the world would look like 50 years in the future.  Cage’s son gets one of the drawings, which is just a page full of random-seeming numbers, which turn out to be dates of global catastrophes and the number of people killed, separated by another set of numbers that they can’t figure out without what Atticusser and I would call an “extraordinary coincidence,” in the vein of all great SFOP’s.  That extraordinary coincidence is when Cage ends up at the exact spot where a jetliner crashes across a freeway, which was predicted by the magic number sheet, and thanks to his car’s GPS, he realizes that the unexplained sets of numbers are the GPS coordinates of each catastrophe.

So, blah blah blah, the numbers predict the end of the world, blah blah blah, Cage has just happened to have formerly published a paper on super solar flares, blah blah blah, he figures out that a super flare is about to roast the earth and there’s nothing they can do to stop it.

Enter the “whisper people.”

Throughout the film there are these semi-creepy Val Kilmer look-alike guys dressed all in black who are kinda stalking Cage’s kid, and they keep giving him these smooth black rocks that are supposed to be significant.  And they whisper to the kid, indicating that he is somehow special, just like the little girl who first wrote the page of magic numbers, except she went insane and killed herself, but not before having a daughter who had another daughter, who also can hear the whispers that only certain people can hear.

Enter the love interest.

The love interest freaks out when the whisper men kidnap her and Cage’s kids while they’re all running away to hide in some caves that have no hope of saving them from the super solar flare.  She runs a red light, gets hit by a semi.

Exit the love interest.

This was about the point at which I realized that this movie had lost its way a little.

To make a long review slightly less long, Cage finds the kids at the dry riverbed where the smooth black stones are found (so much for significant).  The whisper men, as anticipated, reveal themselves to be aliens.  But they’re benevolent aliens, who want to help humanity start over.  So they offer to take the children with them, and Cage thinks, “Great, we’re saved!”  But wait!  No, Cage, you can’t come.  You didn’t “hear the call.”  Meaning he was for some reason immune to the insanity-inducing whispers of random numbers that tell the future, unlike his kid.  So in a desperate bid to save his son’s life, he tells him he has to go with the aliens, and they take off with the kids, leaving him crying on the smooth black stones.

Uh…right.  I know it’s the end of the world and all, but you put your kid on a ship full of creepy aliens and sent him off into space.  Riiiiight.

I wasn’t sure quite how they were going to wrap the movie up from there, but it involved classical music, scenes of looting amid the growing heat, an ever-so-touching reunion between Cage and his estranged parents, who all share a hug, followed by a visually spectacular scene of the earth being swallowed up by fire and burnt to a crisp.

But don’t fret!  The benevolent aliens (did I mention they were glowing featureless humanoids who had wing shapes appear behind them when they took the kids up to their ship?), well they drop the kids off on a planet flowing with golden wheat fields, and in the background you see other ships leaving too, having dropped off other children, we assume.  And the two main kids are all dressed in white linen as they run happily through the tall grass in slow motion toward a great glowing white tree.

The End.

No, I’m not kidding.  That was how it ended.

Donjuanica and I left the theater, and I said, “Oh, I get it.  It wasn’t God, it was kindly aliens!”  And then I went home to put some ice on my reverse-time-impacted manuals.

So my thoughts in retrospect are these:

• “Knowing” was really a bad rip-off of “Signs,” only not nearly as good and like 10 years late.
• Hollywood production studios have to release something to fill the gap between Christmas and Memorial Day, and they don’t much care what they put out there.
• If kindly aliens decide to help us in real life, I hope they can come up with a better way to do so than by whispering encoded messages into the ears of children who have no hope of understanding them so they can only go insane.
• If said kindly aliens want to take away your children, I wouldn’t think twice before agreeing.
• If said kindly aliens decide to start beating you over the head with religious symbology turned into science fiction, get on a bus or something.
• If said kindly aliens drop your stolen children off on a strange planet with no food or water and no adult supervision and leave them in the care of a glowing white tree in a very over-the-top Adam and Eve metaphor, feel free to scoff loudly so other people in the theater can hear you.
• Signs was cool, Knowing was lame.

The End.

In spite of the stubborn persistence of cold weather around here, the sun broke through today and at my wife’s suggestion (ain’t she the greatest?), I loaded my golf clubs back into my car.  How soon I’ll actually get to use them is still in question, but having them on hand again is a good sign.

So next year, you can take your shadow and shove it, groundhog.