Oh wait…you’re dead.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,402882,00.html
In what promises to be the biggest story of the past two centuries, the body of the elusive and “surly” Bigfoot has apparently been found in a forest in northern Georgia. It is believed that Bigfoot had been hiding for the past four years, disguised as an officer in the Georgian military and that he is a casualty of the recent armed conflict with Russia.
News of Bigfoot’s whereabouts reportedly reached high ranking members of the Russian government, including President Medvedev, in late July of this year, setting off a fire-storm of inquiries and demand from the Russian citizens to see the Man-beast revealed. When Russian officials failed to respond with adequate promptness, certain citizens began turning to vigilantism.
Russo-Georgian relations began to deteriorate as more and more Russian nationals began leading tourist “Bigfoot hunting” expeditions into the forests of northern Georgia, and not finding anything of note, would become bored and frustrated, which often led to what one Georgian official referred to as “Tom Foolery.”
The match hit the tinder box in August, when during one such excursion, three bored Russians actually happened upon Bigfoot as he was napping in a sunny meadow. After so many days of exhaustive searching, it is believed that the Russian hikers escaped their boredom by filling Bigfoot’s massive sleeping hand with shaving cream, and then tickling his nose with a long weed, causing Bigfoot to swat at what his sleeping mind believed was some kind of flying pest, effectively covering his face in shaving cream. The prank ended in disaster for the Russians, whose bodies were later found tied in bows around a near by tree trunk. The incident sent the tenuous relationship between Russia and Georgia over the tipping point, leading to weeks of armed conflict.
When asked to describe Captain Sas K. Watch–Bigfoot’s assumed military identity–a soldier who served under him characterized him as “surly” and “kinda stinky, especially up close.”
Happily, bowing to U.S. pressure, Russia has ceased all military operations in Geogia this week and has begun withdrawing troops. A happy ending for all. Except Bigfoot. And the hikers. And the other casualties of the conflict.
For years, conspiracy theorists and yeti enthusiasts have maintained that Bigfoot’s true identity is none other than Cain, who murdered his brother Abel and was cursed by God to walk the earth forever as a black-skinned beast.
Bigfoot’s body will be revealed at a press conference scheduled for later this week. Funeral and memorial services will be held throughout the world on Sunday.