Will the real Cain please stand up?
Oh wait…you’re dead.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,402882,00.html
In what promises to be the biggest story of the past two centuries, the body of the elusive and “surly” Bigfoot has apparently been found in a forest in northern Georgia. It is believed that Bigfoot had been hiding for the past four years, disguised as an officer in the Georgian military and that he is a casualty of the recent armed conflict with Russia.
News of Bigfoot’s whereabouts reportedly reached high ranking members of the Russian government, including President Medvedev, in late July of this year, setting off a fire-storm of inquiries and demand from the Russian citizens to see the Man-beast revealed. When Russian officials failed to respond with adequate promptness, certain citizens began turning to vigilantism.
Russo-Georgian relations began to deteriorate as more and more Russian nationals began leading tourist “Bigfoot hunting” expeditions into the forests of northern Georgia, and not finding anything of note, would become bored and frustrated, which often led to what one Georgian official referred to as “Tom Foolery.”
The match hit the tinder box in August, when during one such excursion, three bored Russians actually happened upon Bigfoot as he was napping in a sunny meadow. After so many days of exhaustive searching, it is believed that the Russian hikers escaped their boredom by filling Bigfoot’s massive sleeping hand with shaving cream, and then tickling his nose with a long weed, causing Bigfoot to swat at what his sleeping mind believed was some kind of flying pest, effectively covering his face in shaving cream. The prank ended in disaster for the Russians, whose bodies were later found tied in bows around a near by tree trunk. The incident sent the tenuous relationship between Russia and Georgia over the tipping point, leading to weeks of armed conflict.
When asked to describe Captain Sas K. Watch–Bigfoot’s assumed military identity–a soldier who served under him characterized him as “surly” and “kinda stinky, especially up close.”
Happily, bowing to U.S. pressure, Russia has ceased all military operations in Geogia this week and has begun withdrawing troops. A happy ending for all. Except Bigfoot. And the hikers. And the other casualties of the conflict.
For years, conspiracy theorists and yeti enthusiasts have maintained that Bigfoot’s true identity is none other than Cain, who murdered his brother Abel and was cursed by God to walk the earth forever as a black-skinned beast.
Bigfoot’s body will be revealed at a press conference scheduled for later this week. Funeral and memorial services will be held throughout the world on Sunday.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I have PHD in cryptozoology. You should not call the integrity of my creditials on this matter into question as I am the very cyptozooligist who discovered Aquasquatch. One of your very own “minds†is aware of my years of study and has seen my diploma is this area of acedemia.
I would to verify the claims made here and inform everyone that I was privy to this information several weeks ago by my esteemed colleagues. I have been unable to discuss this discovering until it was fairly and accurately balanced by the fine investigative journalists at Fox News. I am now able to answer any and all questions regarding this matter both publicly and privately by interested parties.
Inquires can be made here.
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Dr. Grant Shipley
August 14th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Excellent. My first question is this: Dr. Shipley, was the corpse found in Georgia or Georgia? There seems to be some confusion on this point.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Second question, Dr. Shipley: How is this news being regarded by your professional peers? It is widely known that Thunderhorse, group leader of the MySpace organization “Yeti Entusiasts for Yeti Awareness” does not hold you or your work in very high regard, ever since he was kicked off the Sasquatch Watch project for the controversial paper he published, theorizing that Bigfoot and The Great Pumpkin were in fact one and the same.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Answer to question #1: The posting by one of your esteemed minds is correct. The bigfoot was secured in Georgia. DNA evidence is forthcoming after our initial analysis is completed.
Answer to question #2: The news has been well received among my academic peers. We have long known that this creature existed and are excited to share our findings with the world.
I would like make it clear that Mr. Thunderhorse is not trained NOR has he attended any conferences where cryptozoologists have discussed our discoveries. He submitted a formal request to be initiated into out professional organization of esteemed colleagues in 2005. At which time, the governance board decided he did not have the required qualifications or research findings to be included among our professional organization. It is our understanding that he has completed 1/18th of a semester at Salem Oregon Community College for the Blind. As you are aware, our organization requires our candidates to have reached the level of PHD in course work and academic studies.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Thank you, Dr. Shipley. However, my first question remains unanswered. Was the alleged sasquatch discovered in Georgia or Georgia? According to the original tale as it was related by MrHattyHat (if that is indeed his real name), it occured in Georgia the nation (or სáƒáƒ¥áƒáƒ თველრas spelled in the native tongue), but other accounts have it in Georgia the US state (or Jorja, as spelled by the locals).
One of my coworkers asserts that it was clearly the state of Georgia, because Bigfoot is known to Summer there on the plantation where his forebears were prominent slavers, but I say poppycock to that whole idea, as Bigfoot would clearly hate such a humid summer locale. Just imagine what it would do to all that hair! I expect he would choose a much more temperate region to spend his summers, like Sasketchewan.
Could you please clarify the geography here?
August 14th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Let me clarify. The stated incident occurred in Georgia.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Addendum: In reviewing digital summaries of the most prominent historical cinematic documentation on the topic of the sasquatch, I have determined that the beast clearly preferred either Culver City, California, or Vancouver, British Columbia, as those were the filming locations for the Sci Fi Original Pictures “Sasquatch” and “Abominable” respectively.
For further information, we really should consult Lance Henriksen, as he was involved in both projects and is clearly an expert on the subject matter. Does anyone have his number?