QOTD: Why can’t we make milk without cows?
I saw a cow this morning on the way to work with a swollen udder (I was on the way to work, not the cow). It reminded me of an old farmer I knew in Iowa who tried to teach me how to milk one. What I remember is that it’s gross. In fact, just thinking about it makes me not want to drink milk.
So I got to wondering; if we can determine the chemical composition of cow’s milk, and if we can feed our milk cows on a diet of hay, hormones and supplements to produce the best milk product money can buy, why is it that we can’t simply create a machine that would simulate that exact chemical process that occurs inside of a cow and just cut out the middle man (or cow)? It seems like it should be pretty easy. Just feed it some hay, wait for it to digest and let the milk squirt out the other end. Here is a crude diagram of the exact design that would be required:
Patent pending.
UPDATE: Looks like my design was not far off, except they forgot to point out the horns.
UPDATE 2: Apparently, the agro-scientists are already on it. And if that was too pleasant, check out the progress in the foreign markets.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I have a few thoughts in response to this:
1. My overall response, and you may choose which you like, in the grand tradition of choose your own adventure:
– For “BRILLIANT!” turn to page 42.
– For “Eww.” Turn to page 59.
2. That cow machine diagram is ingenious. Just make sure you don’t mix up the tubes. It may be perfectly sanitary, but I don’t think people will take kindly to drinking milk that came out the waste hole.
C. This entire post has made me finally feel somewhat glad that I’m lactose intolerant.
4. Why did you even go into work today if you had a swollen udder? I would have called in sick.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Curses! I knew that first sentence would draw some kind of snide comment. That’s what I get for writing a post in the 30 seconds before I leave to go home (for personal reasons).
BTW, my udder is feeling much better.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Wait, wait, wait…I understand that it was you that was on the way to work, and that it was the cow that had the swollen utter; but, I don’t understand why you felt you needed to clarify that you were on the way to work and not on the way to the cow?
I guess since I know you I would obviously understand that your work has little to do with cows, so maybe I’m just taking for granted that everyone else would make such an assumption. After all, for some stranger reading your very detailed post about cow product and the various visionary initiatives related thereto, I guess it’s logical to be concerned that they might think that you were, in fact, on your way to the cow, which might very well also be your work.
So on second thought, thanks for clearing that up.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Also, regardless of where you were going, how can your be sure the cow was not also on the way to work? In such a case, your attempted distinction that it was, in fact, you, and NOT the cow, that was on the way to work would be patently untrue.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
No, I did indeed intend to clarify that I was not on the way to the cow. I don’t want people thinking that I just hang out with cows willy-nilly. And I know the cow was not on the way to work because it was clearly ALREADY at work. This was obvious because it was surfing the net. Everybody knows you only do that at work. And cows are particularly unproductive in an office environment. That’s why I don’t want people to think I hang out with them.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:14 am
If that’s the case, do any cows read our blog? Welcome, bovine friends! Please don’t take offense at Atticusser’s strategy to replace you.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I think cows would be thrilled by this idea, not offended. It’s not like they get paid to generate our milk supply, or worse, to provide us with tasty hamburgers. I imagine it would be a welcome reprieve in the bovine community. And maybe we would stop drilling holes in their sides too.
March 13th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Dear Mr. Atticusser,
I just realized your cow has horns. If a bovine has horns, I don’t think its gonna be milk your drinking after the milking. Yuck. How dare you! That’s illegal in all 52 states (don’t forget Alaska and Hawaii).
–
Gee-Rant
March 13th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Dear Mr. Gee-Rant (if that is your real name),
You are an idiot.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Do_cows_have_horns
Respectfully,
Atticusser
March 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Dear Mr Atticusser:
Check that wiki post in 5 minutes. That should give me enough time to change it.
–
Gee-Rant