See, remember the movie Thunderheart? Remember the old indian guy Grampa Reaches? He’s of the old native American tradition of the barter. The film’s star, Val Kilmer (wait for it), arrives as FBI Special Agent Raymond Levoi, who has Native American heritage, but is ashamed of it.

Anyway, the first time Agent Levoi visits Grampa Reaches in course of a murder investigation, Grampa wants to make a trade (”good trade”…see Dances With Wolves) with him. Feeling compelled to build a bridge of good will, Levoi agrees. So he gives Grampa his Ray Ban sunglasses, for which in turn Grampa gives him a (wait…for…it) SHINEY BLACK ROCK!!

So, obviously, having been so shafted by the trade, Agent Levoi turned to a life of crime…or rather, a life of self-cloning, which doesn’t quite work, resulting in a race of “featureless humanoids,” or so-called “aliens” who want to make sure that no children are ever duped by old indians again, so they move them to another “planet,” which really turns out to be Iowa.

I totally get it now.