Enjoy.

All Hallow’s Eve: The Legend of Sleepy Hallow

An original short story by MrHattyhat, MtyThor and Atticusser

“What was that?”

Under normal circumstances, two teenage boys walking in such proximity to one another—in fact, in direct physical contact—would have been considered socially unacceptable in Sleepy Hallow.  The Progressive Secularist mode of thought trending through the more metropolitan cities of the country had spread its viral strands in conspicuous ignorance of Sleepy Hallow—Smalltown, U.S.A, complete with its antiquated traditions of moral judgment and self-restraint.

But these were not normal circumstances.

Shivering from equal parts cold and fear, the boys advanced on their objective, neither one the least bit interested in completing it; neither one willing to be the first to volunteer his retreat.  So, on they crept.

Jake, the younger of the two, turned to Caleb and said…

“Quit trying to hold my hand, you fairy!”

Caleb did not respond, nor did he make any effort to distance himself physically from Jake.  Jake could complain all he wanted; Caleb wasn’t about to place himself any nearer to the darkness that filled the gaps between the trees on either side of Old Mill Road.

There was no moon tonight, which had seemed a good thing at first, since Caleb subscribed to a healthy belief in, and fear of, werewolves.  No moon meant no lycanthropes, at least, but the orb-less sky now meant that the mill road through Hawkins’ Woods was unnaturally dark.  It was quiet also…so quiet.

Jake hadn’t uttered another word, though the two boys were nearly embracing now.  The woods seemed to grow taller around them with each step, and the mill road grew narrower.  Soon the silhouette of the mill would appear before them, a great, decaying hulk of pure blackness against the star-speckled sky.  Caleb watched for it desperately, unwittingly holding his breath.

The mill road took a gradual bend and Jake’s feet shuffled and came to a stop.  His throat made a breathy whine…

“Eeaguheghheeeh!”

“Don’t do that!” squeaked Caleb.

“I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“Did what?”

“You said, ‘Eeauheghhoooh!’”

“No I didn’t.”

Caleb was becoming frustrated.  Enough so that he strongly contemplated discontinuing the fervent grip of Jake’s hand and shoulder that would have required a flushed and stuttering explanation to a belated third party.  He couldn’t remember now why he had commenced the socially precarious strangle hold on Jake’s arm, but something inside him said that putting an abrupt end to it would be a bad idea.

“Eeauhgghheeeh!”

“I told you not to do that!”

“That was you.”

“Who?”

“You. Caleb.”

“It was?”

“Yes.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’m Jake, and there aren’t any other characters yet.”

“You’re Jake?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

“Oh.  I thought I was.”

“No. I checked.  The alternating order of the paragraphs distinctly implies that I am Jake.”

“Hmm…I must have lost track.”

Jake’s words proved an omen of change, however, for in the quiet shadows before them, a third character stood.  Watching.  Listening.  Existing.  This was the character the two boys hoped with all hope did not, would not, appear.

The character spoke…

“Uh…do you want me to leave you two alone?”

Stepping from the woods, Frank Nathan Stein wore an expression of amused mock revulsion.

“Dude, you scared the life out of me!” Jake shouted, immediately regretting the volume as his voice echoed along Old Mill Road, certainly announcing their presence to every ghoul and goblin in Sleepy Hallow.

“You guys look really gay,” Frank offered, joining in step with the boys whose hearts were just starting to return to normal pace.

“Just wait,” Caleb retorted, “walk along this road for a few minutes with us and you’ll be sticking pretty close too, I guarantee!”

There was an awkward moment of shifting eyes and silence as the boys realized that their terror-induced affection, which they each had conveniently avoided acknowledging, had just been outed.

“What’s with that weird light?” Frank asked finally.

“Don’t know,” Caleb replied.  “Must be the light from that big dude’s cell phone.”

“Yeah,” Jake agreed.

Another moment of strained silence and the boys stopped dead in their tracks.

“Big dude?!” They asked in perfect unison…

And then a cold voice broke the still night air.  It was a deathly whisper, a chill hiss that came from neither ground nor sky, and it said, “Holy cow!  New Mexico tied it up!”

The boys all screamed, falling to the ground.

“Eeeauheghheeeh!”

Then they died.

And so ended the lives of the boys: Frank N. Stein, Jake Ulah, and Caleb DeWild.

Though they died young, before their times, their passing proved to be the salvation of countless, nameless victims of horror tales of both film and print.

And thus it was.

Amen?

What the boys didn’t know—what they couldn’t know—was the true nature of those three mysterious figures who, at the end of their lives had manipulated them even as puppets on strings of ink, dancing on a paper stage.  What even those three otherworldly beings could not know, moreover, was that one of them—one of that very three—was not what he appeared.  One of them was not…human.But which one?

It was MrHattyHat, that’s who.

Comedy Gold!

Recently (as in the past two days) I was kind of forced by circumstance to migrate all of my hosting to a new server.  It was well time for that to take place anyway, so I made the plans and took care of it.  All in all it actually went pretty well considering I was moving websites, email, databases, etc. all while trying to maintain uninterrupted service to those who benefit from my hosting (that includes this site).

Well, the millions of you who read this blog may notice something conspicuously absent from the post archive: All posts since July!

Yes, that’s right ladies and gentlemen, I lost some data…apparently.  To be honest, I have no idea how it happened either.  Before the old server went offline I synchronized the database files between the two servers, so the new server should have had all the latest from the old server.  But somehow, when this site came back up, it was light a few posts.  It’s very perplexing because it’s not like those posts were stored in their own files that got missed or something.  Theoretically, if the database files related to this blog from the old system got copied to the new system then all the posts should be here, but magically they are not.

So I’m stumped, and my apologies go out to MtyThor and myself–the authors of the only missing posts–and to those who may have had excellent comments on any of the posts (but not those who made dumb comments).

So I guess we’ll just build from here with a parting thought from that oft-quoted orator whose succinct expression of exasperation has never been more appropriate:

D’oh!

P.S. If I figure out what happened and how to fix it, rest assured that I will.

Giant snapping turtles violently attacking college kids on spring break at Lake Powell.  Oooh…the menace!  The role of Dr. Boobs hasn’t been cast yet, but we’re pretty sure we can get former Miss Hawaiian Tropic Scarlett Chorvat.

We’re not officially in negotions with the Sci Fi Channel yet, but we think we’re on the right track with our pitch.  Thanks to Mrs. MightyThor for the story concept.

Introducing the Swiss Army Penchuku Sabre!

This ingenious device provides all of the following:

• Pen
• Sword
• Light Sabre
• Nunchuku (which is really just another pen, tied to the other one with string. But it’s a really hard pen.)
• Fishing Pole
• Corkscrew (but it’s a light sabre cork screw)

Many thanks to Atticusser and MtyThor for providing the inspiration for this invention.

Unfortunately, at the time of writing, this week’s (last night’s) episode had not yet been posted to NBC’s web site, but the previous week’s episode is there.

In both cases, the entire episode is great, but you only need watch the first minute or two, prior to the introduction theme and credits, to enjoy the feast.

Bon Apetit.

Thor:How’s that synthetic cow coming along?
atticusser: awaiting funding
Thor: What???
Thor: Stupid buer…burr
Thor: …buaer…
Thor: I have no idea how to spell burocracy
atticusser: bureaucracy
Thor: bureaucracy
Thor: That is a stupid word.
atticusser: well, it is french in origin
Thor: That is a stupid originally French word.
atticusser: indeed
Thor: Did you know that English is derived from a combination of French and German?
atticusser: I think english is derived from a combination of awesome
Thor: Before England was really England, it was populated by French speaking nobility and German speaking commoners.
Thor: That’s why we have two words for so many things.
atticusser: look, I already read “The Mother Tongue”
Thor: Huh?
atticusser: wow
Thor: Wow what?
atticusser: I just experienced a super-colossal meltdown of my system
atticusser: that’s never happened to me before on linux
Thor: I was having a very similar problem two days ago.
Thor: I spent the whole day fighting with my stupid computer.
Thor: Of course, I run Windows, so it’s expected.
atticusser: what kind of weapons were you using?
Thor: A bo staff.
atticusser: nunchuks?
Thor: No, Atticusser.
Thor: They’re called Nuchaku.
Thor: Seriously.
atticusser: no that’s different
Thor: Only because I spelled it wrong.
Thor: Nunchaku.
atticusser: I mean nunchuks
atticusser: those things that nuns chuck at you
Thor: Exploding bibles? No I didn’t have any of those.
Thor: But that would have come in handy.
atticusser: too bad
Thor: That’s also different than a Nunchucker, which I really could have used.
atticusser: you know what they say, “the pen is mightier than the sword”
atticusser: of course, the guy that wrote that later had his head cut off by a sword that sliced right through the pen he was using to defend himself
Thor: Showed him.
Thor: What if I got a really big sword and attached a pen to the end of it?
Thor: Then I could either lop your melon off or draw a moustache on your lip at sword point.
atticusser: I think that was his assumption
atticusser: the pen/sword combo is mightier than just the plain old sword
Thor: They should really have specified that.
atticusser: plus you can first mark where you intend to slash with your sword
atticusser: so you know where to aim
Thor: It’s that kind of generality that gets people’s pens cut in half and their heads cut off all the time.
atticusser: an even better idea would be a pen that double as a light saber
atticusser: but you’d have to be careful which button you push
Thor: OR A FISHING POLE!
atticusser: I think the fishing pole has been done
Thor: You have seen those commercials, I assume?
atticusser: yes
Thor: What a fantastic idea that is. Almost as good as the Snuggie.
atticusser: imagine if they were combined
atticusser: the awesome power you would wield!
Thor: But you know what would be even better than a pen/light saber combo? A pen/nunchucker/nuchuks combo.
Thor: It’s a pen that produces a guy that chucks nuns who in turn chuck exploding bibles.
atticusser: this reminds of an idea I had for the blog
atticusser: I already introduced the “question of the day” category
Thor: Which I did enjoy.
atticusser: but I intend to extend that to the “invention of the day” category
Thor: Well a precedent has been established.
Thor: With the faux cow milk machine and the whole post on the snuggie.
atticusser: because I have too many invention ideas in my head to not publish them to some kind of blog
Thor: It does seem the proper venue.
atticusser: yes, it’s a veritable thinktank

So I got to wondering; if we can determine the chemical composition of cow’s milk, and if we can feed our milk cows on a diet of hay, hormones and supplements to produce the best milk product money can buy, why is it that we can’t simply create a machine that would simulate that exact chemical process that occurs inside of a cow and just cut out the middle man (or cow)? It seems like it should be pretty easy. Just feed it some hay, wait for it to digest and let the milk squirt out the other end. Here is a crude diagram of the exact design that would be required:

Patent pending.

UPDATE: Looks like my design was not far off, except they forgot to point out the horns.

UPDATE 2: Apparently, the agro-scientists are already on it. And if that was too pleasant, check out the progress in the foreign markets.

(shudders)