If you can’t trust SitComs and commercials to provide the much needed sense of stability and consistency that is an innate human need, who can you trust?

Granted, these commercials are pretty funny, and show that a sense of humor can go a long way toward building a better image for yourself.  And this is a pretty good “fight fire with fire” approach to facing your competition.

However, the credibility of this new campaign by Microsoft begins to break down when you consider one very important fact: Have you ever noticed what kind of computer is a subtle but consistent fixture in Jerry’s apartment on Seinfeld?  Have a look (about :45, look close in the background).

“It’s Harry Potter meets Lord of the Rings!”

“It’s Friends with an edge!”

What do these two phrases have in common?  The same thing as this season’s latest addition to “comparison condemnation”:

“If you like Lost and X-Files, you’ll love Fringe!”

In a few poorly-chosen words, these descriptions each spell the most heinous four-letter f-word in all of entertainment: Flop.

As a rule, any time the producers have to try to buy their audience by such overt comparisons to fan favorites of days gone by, it’s an indication that the show has no merit of its own and, despite their best efforts, will not appeal to the discerning viewer.

Such is definitely the case with the new Fox offering, Fringe.  True to title, Fringe will not be joining the mainstream of television hits this season.  My wife and I decided to give it a chance to pick up some of the TV entertainment void that has been left for several years by the exit of X-Files.  Sadly, the two programs can’t even be mentioned in the same sentence.

X-Files was tremendously entertaining because it was smart.  The dialogue was natural and believable.  The actors were charismatic.  You wanted to believe that they were real.

Fringe offers no such benefits. While the plot of the pilot episode was ok, the dialog was clunky, obviously over-laden with exposition of back stories and sub-plots that would be better left to viewer discovery.  The characters are vanilla at best.  The female lead, played in the pilot by Anna Torv, was bland and brought an annoying air of “seen it” to the role.  There was nothing new or interesting about her; just another girl playing out of her depth as an FBI agent, like so many before her.

Maybe the biggest surprise (for some) that Fringe has to offer is that J.J. Abrams really is a one-trick pony, and apparently that trick is good old fashioned summer action movies.  He really seemed to find his stride with Mission Impossible III, which I found very entertaining (considering it’s a Mission Impossible movie). Lost had its moments in the early seasons, but since then the story has gone in circles so many times, I have to agree with those who think the writers have no idea where they are going.  Several times during the 30 minute experiment with Fringe (yes, 30 minutes…that’s as far as we made it) I honestly couldn’t tell if I was watching the new show or just a bad back-story episode of Lost.  So many of the elements were lifted straight from the Lost template, right down to the weird horn crescendo that precedes every commercial break in both shows, you get the strong impression that Abrams just kind of mailed this one in.

Topping off the list of complaints is the experimental gimmicks that I can only assume were Abrams’ attempt to freshen the Lost model just enough to trick people into thinking it’s not the Lost model.  There’s something very off-putting about having scene locations established by having to fly through the words “Logan Airport Boston” or having the words “Baghdad Iraq” laid out in large block letters across the tops of the buildings in a panoramic of the city.  We watch TV to be taken away, to be drawn into the make-believe world that is being created on screen.  Such lame gimmicks immediately smack you back to reality.

So, all in all, I found nothing of value in Fringe, not even a mild curiosity.  The entire abbreviated experiment was nothing more than a waste of time.  I can only be grateful I didn’t stick around for the full hour.

Am I the only one who finds this a little creepy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1czBcnX1Ww

First, obviously, it’s kind of a sad day when anyone dies (except Saddam and his ilk, of course).

Second, who’s going to introduce us to all the “worlds” from now on?

Recent developments in the biggest story of the past two centuries have revealed…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7571483.stm

Just when we thought he had it in the bag, Krasamir Gaydarski’s hopes of the Olympic Gold Medal for name were dashed by today’s newcomer.

[INSERT ENDLESS SUPPLY OF JOKES HERE]

http://results.beijing2008.cn/WRM/ENG/BIO/Athlete/8/205838.shtml

In related news, here’s today’s joke of the day:

What sense do Eastern European men use to detect homosexuality in other men?

(See link above for answer)

Oh wait…you’re dead.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,402882,00.html

In what promises to be the biggest story of the past two centuries, the body of the elusive and “surly” Bigfoot has apparently been found in a forest in northern Georgia. It is believed that Bigfoot had been hiding for the past four years, disguised as an officer in the Georgian military and that he is a casualty of the recent armed conflict with Russia.

News of Bigfoot’s whereabouts reportedly reached high ranking members of the Russian government, including President Medvedev, in late July of this year, setting off a fire-storm of inquiries and demand from the Russian citizens to see the Man-beast revealed. When Russian officials failed to respond with adequate promptness, certain citizens began turning to vigilantism.

Russo-Georgian relations began to deteriorate as more and more Russian nationals began leading tourist “Bigfoot hunting” expeditions into the forests of northern Georgia, and not finding anything of note, would become bored and frustrated, which often led to what one Georgian official referred to as “Tom Foolery.”

The match hit the tinder box in August, when during one such excursion, three bored Russians actually happened upon Bigfoot as he was napping in a sunny meadow. After so many days of exhaustive searching, it is believed that the Russian hikers escaped their boredom by filling Bigfoot’s massive sleeping hand with shaving cream, and then tickling his nose with a long weed, causing Bigfoot to swat at what his sleeping mind believed was some kind of flying pest, effectively covering his face in shaving cream. The prank ended in disaster for the Russians, whose bodies were later found tied in bows around a near by tree trunk. The incident sent the tenuous relationship between Russia and Georgia over the tipping point, leading to weeks of armed conflict.

When asked to describe Captain Sas K. Watch–Bigfoot’s assumed military identity–a soldier who served under him characterized him as “surly” and “kinda stinky, especially up close.”

Happily, bowing to U.S. pressure, Russia has ceased all military operations in Geogia this week and has begun withdrawing troops. A happy ending for all. Except Bigfoot. And the hikers. And the other casualties of the conflict.

For years, conspiracy theorists and yeti enthusiasts have maintained that Bigfoot’s true identity is none other than Cain, who murdered his brother Abel and was cursed by God to walk the earth forever as a black-skinned beast.

Bigfoot’s body will be revealed at a press conference scheduled for later this week. Funeral and memorial services will be held throughout the world on Sunday.

I might be reading this right over your shoulder!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7553061.stm

The cat’s out of the bag: the villain of the next Batman film is none other than…

PUMPKINHEAD!!

Ok, so here’s the story:

After dying a horrible, fiery death in this summer’s smash hit, The Dark Knight, Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhaal) returns as the horribly disfigured Pumpkinhead to exact her revenge on the caped crusader who failed to save her from her explosive demise.

Ok, ok, so here’s the real story:

This guy I work with liked the movie except for Maggie Gyllenhaal, who he argued is the ugliest girl ever, and who looks like a “rotten old pumpkin.”  Determined to validate his assessment, he got online and found a picture of an old pumpkin and then set about finding a photo of Ms. Gyllenhaal that matched.  Sadly for her, it actually didn’t take more than about a minute.

Behold the results.